Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Sleepless in Kentucky

I can't sleep. I just lie there with my eyes wide open staring at the shadows on my walls. It's funny what your mind can do with those shadows after staring at them long enough. Anyway, I think I'm depressed. I try to ignore it most days but it's getting harder. I need to see someone about it. I've never liked the idea of taking medication. Medicine is suppose to make you feel better, but I guess somehow I feel like it would just be slapping a bandaid on some underlying issue that I need to deal with.

There are certain things about my personality that worry me sometimes. For example, I have tons of interests and hobbies that I never complete. I get crazy obsessed with a project and lose interest in it just as quickly and it ends up in a closet collecting dust until it's thrown out to make room for a new hobby. In the past 3 months I've tried my hand at candle-making, dollhouse creating, tropical fish breeding and guitar playing, to name a few. The candle supplies received minimum use and are now collecting dust. The dollhouse is partly painted but still in the box. I have a few baby fish, but all 6 of my original fish are gone. The guitar is back in the box, and probably doesn't need tuning yet because it hasn't gotten much use.

So, this may seem like a minor problem or maybe not even a problem at all. But I keep wondering what it is I'm trying to accomplish with all my incomplete interests. Have I been trying to "find myself" in all of the hobbies that I pursue? Keep in mind, the list above is only for the last 3 months. I'll be 29 soon, and I have a much larger list of things that I haven't completed in my life. Maybe I just want to be good at something, ya know. No one really wants one thing to define who they are, but that feeling probably comes from people who have something in their lives that do define them. I guess maybe I don't. I guess I just don't really know who I am yet. None of my hobbies will tell me that, I know. Surely this isn't a quest for happiness.

My rambling does prove one thing...I need to make an appointment with my doctor.

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